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There’s a few problems here that we need to address. You heard me. It’s getting out of control. AFL headquarters are cracking down on your behavior and If you think for one second you can go to a footy game and expect not to be hunted down by the secret AFL spies in the crowd then you’re in for a shock.

Back in my day (2 months ago) you could come to the footy for less than a dime, bring your own meat pies (for eating), you could bring a bat (for beating) and even bring your own table (for seating) Now (by law) I can’t even bring my own bat anymore. Unbelievable.

You’re probably at your wits end about how to behave in the modern era of footy, and reluctant to ever attend another game until you know exactly what you can say.

Luckily, I’m here to get creative and get you out of this pickle so you can get back to being a passionate spectator to the greatest sport on earth.

Remember the AFL Desert Storm Navy Seals won’t kick you out for simply being creative with your thoughts. You can be one step ahead of them the whole time.

So, here’s some examples of what you can shout out at the footy without getting your head printed on a newspaper the next day.

Depends on your how adventurous you’re feeling on the day, but feel free to try one of these to maximize your fan time.

Not Recommended Maybe Positively Risky (not for the faint hearted)

Bald Headed Flogs Salty Green Frogs Hairless Whistle Boys

Green Maggot Steamy Parrot You Shiny Little Whistleblowers

He’s Been Doing it All Day Frequent Unpleasantness Incredible that he’s been able to do that all day

CMON UMP HI MUM HI UMP

That’s 50 Light ‘em up Rayyyyyy Set ‘em on fire RAY

BALLLLLL PAULLLLL MARTYHOREEEEE

You’re f*cking joking Can somebody please poke me I’m feeling optimistic about this free kick count

Not Good Enough Boys I’m listening My ears are burning

GET RID OF IT PRESS ESCAPE I’ve actually got all day for this

HOW LONG UMP? TIMES UP. GO TO SLEEP NOW. KEEPING BOUNCING BROTHER

 

There we have it, these phrases will get you out of a pickle. I’m very much looking forward to the weekend of footy.