Since the early 90s, the Australia cricket side has been a team divided.
The Julios and the Nerds.
The Nerds have long been the dominant species. Led by the likes of Allan Border, Mark Taylor, Steve Waugh and Ricky Ponting, they are cricket tragics, more concerned about replacing the Velcro on their pads than being spotted in public dressed like Jerry Seinfeld.
Some other notable Nerds are the guitar-wielding Damien Fleming, red-wine drinking Stuart MacGill and country boy Glenn McGrath.
While the Julios are by no means second-rate cricketers, they make a point of booking in their personal ‘mirror time’ to avoid ever being referred to as a Nerd. These days they take it a step further and pose semi-nude at the drop of a baggy green.
Legendary Julios include play boy Shane Warne, cool cat Mark Waugh, metrosexual/nomic runscorer Michael Clarke and of course Getaway’s own Brendon Julian.
So who sits in what camp in the current Australian Ashes squad?
Ed Cowan – A thinker of the game, who even went on exchange to Oxford and has a degree in commerce and applied finance. Therefore, he is the most likely to write an Ashes Tour Diary and if Steve Waugh and Ricky Ponting have taught us anything, that means Steady Eddie is first picked in the Nerd XI.
Chris Rogers – Rumour has it Rogers wears socks and sandals together. That is a key indication of his age, and most importantly his Nerd roots. The bespectacled batsman, who is also colour blind and most likely allergic to everything from gluten to lactose, has played so much county cricket he can name the longitude and latitude of every ground in England.
Brad Haddin - The latest in a string of Australian wicketkeeper Nerds, excluding Ryan Campbell. In fact can we exclude Ryan Campbell from cricket history? Anyways, Haddin, a good Gundagai boy, saves his best Cricket Australia polo shirts for a nice evening out at a top notch restaurant.
Nathan Lyon – an unlikely looking fellow who somehow went from mowing grass to Australia’s frontline spinner. Skinny with big ears and a receding hairline, the man they call Gaz is much-loved in the sheds, chosen by Michael Hussey to be the new leader of the Australian team song. A title long held by the Nerd elite.
Peter Siddle – A fast bowler who has stopped eating meat and once boasted blonde highlights, ala Glenn McGrath circa 2005. Case closed.
Michael Clarke – attractive partners, fast cars, tattoos and all whilst being the captain – all unheard of in Australian cricket until now. But the head Julio has been a tremendous skipper, so he can do as many underwear ads as he likes if he keeps making double tons!
David Warner – While quite familiar with technology, especially social media, Warner is not in the Nerd category. Rather the fact he regularly wears sleeveless shirts and can complete more than five consecutive push ups clearly puts him in House Julio.
Mitchell Johnson – He’s not the sharpest needle in the tattoo parlour, but Midge has certain qualities that lock him into the Julios camp, namely a ridiculous hipster haircut that would send Bob Simpson into cardiac arrest.
Shane Watson – Had to be actively told by the team doctors to stop doing ‘beach weights’ to limit persistent injury. Instead, Watson gave up bowling and took up being the face of a deodorant brand and endless male calendars. Is very unlikely to ever relinquish the vice-captaincy of the Julios team.
Steve Smith – Young, blonde and brash, you could say Steve Smith is an incarnated version of Warnie. But that’s like saying Ghandi came back as a dung beetle. Smith can’t spin the ball half as good as the great leggie, but he makes up for it with textbook Julio behaviour such as wearing his cap sideways.
Usman Khawaja – a left-handed version of Mark Waugh (though not as good in the field). Uzzie loves a popped collar and is also a qualified pilot, which negates the fact he plays the guitar.
Do you agree with our Nerds and Julios definitions. Let us know in the comments section below.